Match Reports

28th January 2012 - Away v Aylestone St James

Match Report to follow

After a big league win at home to Ashby earlier in the season it was with some confidence that Lions made the trip to Nottingham Road and despite Nango’s best efforts the squad whilst ample in numbers was short in the back division. Some diplomatic manoeuvring in the changing room and Razor & Dave Allison were persuaded to relinquish there backrow berths, finding themselves consigned to centre and fullback cameos. Numbers bolstered by Big Cookie, Stu Watson & James Earnshaw,  no bookings for his children’s entertainment business, returning from long term injury and no 3rd team game respectively, Lions took to the pitch, several minutes stood watching Ashby warming up caused a collective paroxysm of guilt and unprompted the pack began practicing lineout. It was 10 minutes past the proposed kick off time before any of the Lions questioned the absence of a referee and Buster was sent to investigate. Eventually the ref arrived, recognised as the hooker from last season a desperate search for hairy dogs ensued (see 5th March 2011 - Home v Ashby) with none at hand the game began.
The kick off failed to reach the requisite distance and the home side elected for a scum back, Lions pack sent Ashby backwards but failed to dislodge the ball. Ashby mounted sustained attacks and with Matt Gardner unable to locate touch Lions found themselves on the back foot and conceding penalties, the first of which the home side chose a kick at goal, the second brought more success, electing to run, the pack strolled over the line, the conversion was anded and the home side sat on a 7-0 lead.
The restart saw the home side fail to field the ball and Lions mounted their first attack led by Colonel, whose elusive run took him past a multitude of would be tacklers, several phases of play saw Lions arrive at the Ashby line, a loose scrum ball rolled out to touch, Little Cookie was the first to react and a quick ball to Stu Watson who negotiated a path through the defence (7-5), Matt Gardner’s attempt at the conversion is best not discussed. Another extended run from Colonel and Lions again found themselves threatening the Ashby line, Matt Gardner found Harry open and the Captain’s indolent son crossed for Lions second try, this time Gardner finding his target with the kick (5-12). Lions reverted to form as Big Cookie fumbled the ball forward and Ashby were able to accumulate ground. A series of Lions mistakes, 22 drop out failing to go 22 and assorted penalties allowed Ashby to cross the line and when the only possible outcome was a try, Dave Allison lunged, ripping the ball to safety, a boot up field from our off key stand off and the Ashby outfit had a second try (12-12). With the curtain coming down on the first half Colonel and Razor combined to take the ball close to the home 22, an infringement from the Ashby pack gave Lions an opportunity to retake the lead but the kick fell short and wide, with the whistle poised in the Hooker come Ref’s mouth the ball found itself back with Matt Gardner, a glance up at the posts and a kick, drop goal might be to self-important term for what followed but the ball left the boot and travelled in the vague direction of the posts arcing at head height before landing short.

Half time.
Nango, still determined to avoid fielding himself made his changes; Rich & Chris on, Big Cookie & Big Matt off and the game continued, Lions were caught cold, the Ashby side twice managed to get the ball in to scoring positions only to be let down by a final pass. A contact lens injury saw Big Cookie briefly return to the play, long enough to set up a drive from the pack and when stopped, James Earnshaw was able to roll off the back of the maul and drive on a further 10 metres, this was to be the last positive move of the game for Lions as Ashby took a tight grip on the game, lineout, drive score (19-12), break from half way, tackle from Colonel, ball recycled, score (26-12). Injury to Melv, Daniel on, more expansive running from Ashby and another score (31-12). Injury to Razor, Big Matt back on, final whistle. On the day Lions failed to overcome a determined Ashby side and on this performance a side likely to be in the promotion shake up come April.

7th January 2012 - Home v Hinckley

2012 is upon us and the promised return to action of our venerated captain failed to materialise, Nango’s alleged shoulder / elbow imaginary injuries apparently still sufficiently acute to prevent him donning his kit. His peripatetic son, Harry, however did managing to secure a starting berth despite his pre-christmas revelry – had Sir Alex taken the same indulgent approach with a certain Wayne Rooney his team may not have dropped 6 points during the festive season. So to a rearranged league game with the might of Leicester Road, the Hinckley side couldn’t fulfil the original December fixture due to a Vets Cup game which it transpired they must have won as they are now in the Final where they will face South Leicester. When the match report arrived at Westleigh park he was surprised to find the club house almost empty – was it an away fixture? No, for some reason the squad had already assembled and were by now changed and planning selection, a quick head count and it was safe for aforementioned scribe to return his kit to the boot of his car – an unusual occurrence in these times of long term injuries to some of the regulars; Stu Watson, Wanka & Walshie to name a few, hopefully all on the road to recovery.
Note for the captain, should he ever be short of a centre / wing forward – Stotty managed to shake of his long standing arthritis to play in the bruising Boxing Day fixture.
Anyway, to the game, with some midwinter sunshine and a strong wind and a level seven Jedi referee Lions prepared to receive the kick off with the wind in their faces (Togga, on the side line was ecstatic, not only had he escaped with half a game but he’d secured the half with the wind at his back – poor planning Buster). As in customary at the start of any Lions game in which we receive the kick we dropped the ball and panicked, despite this, Lions did then go on to have several good phases and in a move that saw James Earnshaw take another knock to his baby makers (see: 5th November 2011 - Home v Loughborough) Lions took play up to the Hinckley line. A scrum was won and the ball was out to Colonel on the charge and a score followed, Matt Earnshaw scuffing his conversion attempt 5-0. Lions subsequently went to sleep and the visitors prospered despite their best efforts to antagonise the referee, first plundering ball at the back of the Lions scrum (5-5) then shortly after their pack drove a maul over the line (5-12). In-between both scores Hinckley managed to fashion several infringements only visible to the referee and when questioned the official marched Hinckley back 10m (this would not be the last time it happened) it is fair to say Lions got the better of the decisions  today. With the half coming to a close Lions managed to show a bit of attacking intent for the first time since the opening moments and good work from young Sam, Razor & Ken in the loose saw play end up close to the visitors line and from a line out the pack secured the ball and drove over the line, Little Cookie at the bottom of the pile the ball safely underneath him (10-12), Matt Earnshaw’s kick slightly worse than his previous attempt. Lions were saved the ignominy of dropping another kick off when the ball went dead in the strong wind and play returned to the centre circle. If not mentioned earlier, Lions scrum was very good today and although not in the same realm as the Oadby game it was pretty dominant. A rampaging run from Iain (not sure he knows any other form of running) saw the big wing break several tackles and when stopped on the line Little Cookie was on hand to secure his brace (not Matt Gardner as professed in the changing room afterwards), this time Matt Earnshaw found his target (17-12). Final play of the half saw Hinckley penalised, more querying of the decision, a yellow card and a further 10m consequence and a 3 point kick secured from Matt Earnshaw to deliver a decent half time lead against the wind (20-12).

The on field captain was sidelined by the side lined captain to make way for Togga, Big Matt, Daniel & Razor, for Tom, Melv & Dave Allison respectively and regardless of the changes Lions started as they had ended the first half with Hinckley’s scrum under pressure they were forced to ground the ball behind their own goal line, unable to clear their lines Hinckley suffered further penalties and a quick tap and a rumble from Ken saw Harry pick up an awkward pass and score in the corner the extra points were not forthcoming (25-12). Shortly afterwards Lions scored again, this time ball traversing the pitch from Harry’s wing to the far side of the pitch, Melv missing out on the try when Matt Earnshaw cut inside (30-12) and another missed kick. Again Hinckley were trapped deep in their own half and when a relieving kick failed to find touch Iain was on hand to field in on the hoof, bashing his was through the defence and hand on to Matt Earnshaw foe a further score, this time finding his target with the subsequent kick (37-12). Iain remained prostrate after his efforts and after being assisted from the pitch Daniel returned to the play, as did Razor when the industrious Wilba eventually ran out of steam. Another Hinckley contravention, more lip and yet more yards or metres, 10 I believe. The ever alter Togga took a quick tap for another converted score (44-12), Matt Earnshaw followed up with his hatrick, no kick though (49-12). Notwithstanding the score Hinckley continued to show endeavour and were rewarded with a score from their pack piling over the line (49-19). The final points of the game was a deserved try for Sam, Matt Gardner usurping the kicking duties slotted a lovely kick from the touch line (56-19). A big win that now leaves us worrying about what happens next, the rumours of three teams being promoted is a major concern, maybe Ashby will assist

17th December 2011 - Home v Oadby Wyggs

The Gospel according to Matt
1:1 And lo did a proclamation ring out from the Emperor Malc that the lost tribes of Wigston and Westleigh should gather together for a mighty battle against those curs from the south of the city of the fox: Oadby Wyggs.
1.2 Little did the brave Lions know that the horde they were to face was young of limb and heart instead of the 3rd cohort they had expected to face, who were slower of flight and heavier in their bodies.
1.3 And verily did the three wise Magi Nangreave, Gyles and Gardner appear before the Lions at Westleigh Park with crowns of wool to shield their shining pates from the hoar frost - like the fabled land of Narnia, it was always Winter there, and the North Wind, and the Hail, and the Frost, and the Snow danced about through the trees. Brave were their words and how high they raised the spirits in preparation for the battle to come, not fazed by the apparent lack of judge for the contest.
1.4 And on his alabaster parchment, Magi Nangreave laid out his forces according to size and shape. Top heavy were the oxen-like forward pack, with numbers outweighing their nimbler cousins in the backs, bereft of Colonel, Min, Charlie, Dave and our resident Gladiator Vanny.
1.5 With nary a word of complaint, the brave Lions marched down the field to meet their fate. A huddle was called, more words of wisdom from the magi and battle commenced. The seraphim and cherubim like forces arrayed against the Lions surged and scored – again, and again and again! It was a veritable feast of tries – for the opposition.
1.6 And like an Angel from the east, Wilba appeared before the crowd who observed the battle and much cheer was raised at his positive comments on our play. He proclaimed that the Wyggs had erred in travelling with such a youthful team as it couldn’t be good for their soul to mock the afflicted so!
1.7 Dark was the sky and as the winds howled and the rain began a brief respite as the battle changed ends with the tally against the valiant Lions reading 0-43. The son of Wat had made way early in the battle for Togga and shortly afterwards was followed onto the sides by Iain, who was replaced by an Oadby player – and the followers at the side looked on and saw he was good/young (delete as appropriate).
1.8 The oxen like forwards girded their loins as they dominated the battle up front and shoved the opposing forwards back time after time in the scrum. From a scrum near the line another fearsome drive shoved the opposition backwards and the man with the bovine heart scored a try with Magi Gyles scoring the conversion. 7-50
1.9 Roused by this the fearsome Wyggs slid through the rain to score again – and again – and again! 7-74. The brave Lions, vanquished by their youthful foes, trudged back to their shed following the star in the east to the pleasures of hot beverages and showers. We would like to say hot showers as well, but some helpful second teamer had left all the showers running for 20 minutes, so hot water was in short supply!

Well, enough of that style – hopefully normal service will be resumed in the New Year. In summary, we were well and truly beaten by a team top of the league two divisions above us – full of pace and power. Despite some strong tackling and a pack that drove the scrum backwards at a rate of knots, this was a match we were never going to win, especially with minds focussed on the Christmas break.

10th December 2011 - Home v Aylestone Athletic

The tenth door on the advent calendar carried a little picture of Jonny Wilkinson. The chocolate which fell from that portal tasted very sweet and was perhaps a foretaste of what was to come. There had, of course, been a scare on Friday night, not that it was the thirteenth or anything, but Oadby Wyggs our opposition had cried off. For an hour or so it looked like the aether would be full of negative texts and emails condemning a number of sporting souls to an afternoon of Christmas shopping. Our local hero Malc rescued the would-be involuntary spenders from an afternoon of retail hell; a fixture against an Aylestone Athletic 2/3 fifteen had been hastily arranged.
The third team game had been cancelled, so an extra few players were available for Nango (yours truly) to consider for selection.  This turned out to be crucial as only seventeen fit men were available for this encounter. Those selected included, Matt G and Big Matt, both returning from injury, Paddy on his Vets debut for 11/12, but only 66.7% of the Earnshaw brothers; the eldest defecting to the twos. For any Athletic players coming across this report, there were three third team players in the side for the day; both props and one of the second row.
At the appointed time the squad was assembled,sadly the tick next to that eldest Ernie was removed as it became clear he wasn’t going to be playing. The team sheet (with backs on the left and forwards on the right) was a little imbalanced causing it to rotate clockwise. This piece of paper, preserved forever in Nango’s file, showed 5 backs and 12 forwards. Selecting a winger was easy, the talented and versatile Tom easily fitting into the vacancy. The centre berth as it turned out, was just as easy to fill. There were two volunteers not including Stu, of course and after much debate and it has to be said, negativity from some, Razor was picked to wear the thirteen shirt.
Eventually the selected XV were in the changing room enjoying the music which is now a popular feature in changing facilities amongst the younger generation of the game’s players. It is difficult to see how “It’s All In The Game” or even “We Are The Champions” could have inspired a win all those years ago, but things move on so who knows? 
Big Cookie, returning from duty with the mini section of the club, exhibited his newly found vocabulary by announcing that he would “flag up and pad out” an expression of which we immediately became very fond. He was as good as his word and the pitch was indeed up and out.
The referee, a member of the well-known Massarella family, did the pre-match rituals and the game kicked off.

Regular readers of these pages will know that this part of the match report is where reality and invention are intertwined in a way that it’s easier for Hadron Collider Physicists Fabiola Gianiotti and Guido Tonelli to find the “God Particle” than it is to work out what actually happened during the game.
Within five minutes the Lions took the lead with an outrageous drop goal by the fully recuperated Gardner. This kick was later described by his fans as both “fantastic” and good or something, can’t quite remember. It wasn’t long after that when Bull scored the first of his two tries to give the Lions an 8-0 lead with Gardner adding the two points. He added another seven shortly after by scoring a try of his own and treating the crowd to a further demonstration of his kicking skills. Tom Earnshaw was rewarded for his graft on the wing by a well created try to increase the lead to 22-0. Just before half time the difference became 27 following a try by the tireless Winsland. This legendary indefatigable player took himself off at half time to make way for Rich. New adjectives are surely needed to describe the former Mossley Hill star.
Throughout the game the Lions pack dominated, winning almost all scrummage and lineout ball, a tremendous performance by all concerned. However, in the second half Athletic performed a little better, notably in the backs. They scored a try, but not before Colonel had added five to the Lions total. At 32-5 the Lions had the game won, but the visitors squandered chance after chance by taking wrong options on the few occasions that they had possession. This possession usually resulted from a poor kick out of defence, but the resulting attacks fizzled out as passes were not made or the boot was used in a less than subtle way.
A bizarre incident occurred on the hour with the score at 32-0. Our visitors said that passive scrums had become essential as they had now lost a prop. Ever alert to this situation, Big Matt stepped up and volunteered his services, only to find himself in the second row. The author met one of the Aylestone props on Monday night at a quiz. He complained of being somewhat compressed by two Lions props, one from behind in his own second row and one from in front!
The final try was Bull’s second duly converted by Gardner to make the final score 39-5. One of the highlights of the game was that Gardner drop goal, another column on the spread sheet and maybe next year a little picture of a fully moustached Gardner on my advent calendar.

3rd December 2011 - Away v Vipers

As the chill winter winds swept around Blaby, the Lions made their lengthy trip along the Blaby by-pass to a re-arranged fixture at Vipers. Nango alerted us to this in a timely manner in his weekly email but was unable to answer my immediate reply that I smelt a rat. Whilst I will leave it to others to compare my obvious prescient skills (and body shape) to nation’s favourite Russell Grant, I was vindicated in my suspicions when we arrived at Vipers only to discover the home team had failed to provide a referee for the league match. After much deliberation (and stand in skipper for the day Buster having plaintively asked if I fancied a stint as referee) one of the opposition was drafted into officiating – a decision we would certainly regret in retrospect.
With Nango struggling from a severe bout of man-flu it was left to Buster to rouse the team into action. This was made more difficult by the fact we only had 13 players by Thursday (with a significant number of players finding the pull of the other big Midlands derby at Welford Road more attractive than turning out with their teammates – and to be fair having witnessed the highlights on ITV 4 I would probably rather have been in the Crumbie Stand as well!).
Luckily, the draw of playing under Buster’s leadership was enough to pad out our numbers to 17 with a surprisingly keen Andy Winsland chomping at the bit to play the first half. Concerned that he had been substituted for some Invasion of the Bodysnatchers doppelganger, further investigation revealed that he was in need of an early finish to ensure he could make it to the Belfrey for a night of passion with Mrs W – presumably she was safe in the knowledge that he would be sufficiently worn out by his exertions on the pitch and so she could take advantage of the room’s mini-bar while he snoozed in the corner......
Whilst we waited for a referee to be sourced and for Togga to turn up, the Lions forwards decided to take a novel approach and practice some line-outs. Having honed his missile like accuracy, Tudgy was then informed by the Viper’s groundsman that we shouldn’t keep using the 22m line as it could “wear a groove” into the pitch. I think this was a dig about the reubenesque nature of the pack – and that was without my presence on the pitch.
As the night started to draw in we finally assembled both teams with the requisite number of players and a ref on the pitch. What followed was possibly the worst 40 minutes of play from the Lions side in the last 5 years. To be frank, we were absolute rubbish: we couldn’t catch, pass, tackle or kick. Even a severely hung over Rich on the touchline was regretting not being on the pitch as he assumed that even not being able to see straight would possibly improve what he was seeing.
To be fair, it swiftly became apparent that the referee was what we will charitably describe as out of his depth. Whenever teams encounter a non-qualified ref, things tend to get dragged down to the lowest common denominator As a result of this and with the Vipers line apparently being aware that Togga should be targeted due to dodgy ribs, Lions quickly conceded three tries and two conversions to go 19-0 down. Roused by this Wilba was then yellow carded with 10 minutes to go in the first half – we are still not quite sure why, but the ref clearly didn’t take to our wiry number 7 as he pinged him pretty much any time he got within 5 yards of the ball all afternoon!
Finally showing some urgency the last play of the half saw Togga cross the try line in the left hand corner after some good recycling by both forwards and backs. The conversion was missed so the half time score saw Lions down by 19-5. Bizarrely, Vipers chose this time to transfer their best player into the second team match on the next pitch, much to the glee of a Jeanette Krankie look alike on the touchline – well, at least I think it was glee – her strong Glaswegian accent was somewhat garbled by her fur muff (sorry I came over all Frankie Howerd for a moment there).
Galvanised by a speech Henry the Fifth would have been proud of by Ken and with Rich A on the pitch for a departed Andy, Lions stormed back into the match in the second half. Colonel, perhaps inspired by the blow to the head that led to a generous slathering of Rich’s special Vaseline, started surging through tacklers and actually managed to pass the ball successfully – we had been worried he had been infected by a severe case of Quelchitis in the first half.
The forwards psyched themselves up to win most of the ball in the second half - regularly winning opposition ball in the scrum and the line with storming performances from Stu, Tom and Little Cookie and even Chris carrying on his now trademarked jinking run up the side of the pitch.
From a steal at the first lineout of the half Buster threw the ball out to Vanny who barged his way over the try line to close the gap, but unfortunately missed the conversion (despite me having now provided him with a kicking tee that was sadly missing for his first conversion attempt at the end of the previous half).
From the kick-off the ball didn’t travel 10m and Togga jinked his way through a few tackles and then passed to Colonel who in turn shipped the ball out to Tom who was running in support (and in text book style even said which side he was on to receive the pop pass). Another link up session from the pack led to Vanny scoring his second try of the half – Tom having spurned the chance to be handed the ball to score over the line – which he duly converted 19-17.
The Viper’s heads were now clearly down and a miraculous Lions victory seemed on the cards when Wilba burst through the middle and kept his legs pumping over the try line with 10 minutes to go – 19-24 (with a Vanny conversion). This proved to be his last contribution to the match, however, as his nemesis with the whistle decided that he had deliberately stamped on the opposition in a subsequent ruck, sending him off for the remainder of the second half. From the quick tap penalty a Vipers forward crashed through 4 or 5 really weak tackles to score in the right hand corner – unconverted 24-24.
Having previously been informed by the referee that there were seven minutes left to play, Lions went surging back up the pitch to try and get a victory. Having broken over the 22m line it seems as if there was some sort of temporal shift as with the try line begging the referee decided to call time on the match and leave both sides unhappy with a 24-24 draw.
Whilst, in the alleged words of England No8 Nick Easter, there wasn’t “£35,000 down the toilet”, the draw left a bitter taste in the Lions mouth. Perhaps we didn’t deserve a win after our dire first half performance, but I think it’s safe to say the ref won’t be on anyone’s Christmas card list this Yuletide. Still, on the plus side, at least we probably won’t have to throw a match this season now to make sure we aren’t promoted......

26th November 2011 - Away v Lutterworth

Recent heavy defeats at the hands of Lutterworth sides loaded with speedy colts and farmers forged from the local Pre-Cambrian rock, recollections of the fabled 0-0 and the miserable microclimate surrounding the ground ensured the annual pilgrimage to Ashby Lane was an expedition few Lions regulars savoured.
A miscalculation of the distance or traffic conditions between the respective club houses ensured that Lions arrived surprisingly early and were actually out on the pitch several minutes before kick off, a rarity even for a home fixture. This favourable occurrence allowed all to take pleasure in watching the young bull or bullock debacle, as an elderly gentleman with a big stick adroitly failed entirely to control the direct of the young animal. Determining whether Bull or Bullock was the correct terminology was the cause of some consternation and was not concluded before the game began.
Once again the gathered throng devoid of cameras so no action photo’s for posterity - can this be addressed please for next weeks league match with Vipers.
Rumours of a front row deficit had filtered from the home dressing room prior to kick off and where later verified by the ref on his arrival on the pitch, unopposed scrums were to be the order of the day, much to the consternation of the Lions pack – especially Bull who had been convince by our leader to return early from long term injury with the promise of a physical battle in the front row – I imagine the reports of passive scrums had dampened his fervour for the game significantly.
And so to the squads, whilst the Lutterworth side appeared to be devoid of colts (relief) Lions, in the continued absence of a host of regulars Chris Johnson, Adrian Gyles, Sharpy, Ken, Leathers, Clive, Goz, Charlie, Matt’s Gardner & Cunningham, Big Cookie, Winsland & Quelch, (did I miss anyone?)had managed to augment their contingent with a couple of third teamers, Matt Earnshaw - stand off, James Earnshaw – prop & Carl Harris – centre. Nango had also managed to persuade Razor to turn out and purloined Kebab – on the bench, the two back row players coming to a gentleman’s concord as to how long each would play. Lions got off to a first-rate start with attacking intent from all quarters, an early run from Carl Harris seeing his would be tackler bowled over in a high speed collision and setting the pattern for aggressive running from the backs all game.  A line out – clean catch and drive, ball out to the backs, Colonel hitting the line at pace from full back dashed over the line for an early score, Matt Earnshaw slotting the kick, 0-7. From the restart an injury to Min resulted in a restructure amo0ngst the backs, Iain to centre and Melv to the wing. Another line out close to the Lutterworth line, another clean catch and another score, this time Stu Watson breaking the line, Matt, adding the extra points 0-14. With everything going better than expected the referee threw a spanner in the works, a purported high tackle saw Harry penalised, the Referee called last play and to the surprise of visiting players and Spectators alike the home side kicked for touch, end of half surely? No! Despite the Ref’s previous uttering’s he allowed the line out and the score that followed – travesty 5-14, the failed conversion became the last play of the half.
Dave on for Tudgy and the second half began, an early Lutterworth penalty narrowed the margin 8-14, another kick at goal shortly afterwards drifted wide before Lions managed their first offensive of the 2nd half. A dazzling run from Carl Harris took play from 22 to 22, ball recycled and Harry was held up on the line, from the resulting scrum, Buster found Matt who in turn spotted a late run from Colonel who broke the line with aplomb, another precise conversion from Matt, 8-21. A score for Iain Langridge went unrecorded, called back for a Buster knock on earlier in the move followed moments later by a Carl Harris try, this time without infringement 8-26, this time the previously imperturbable Matt dragging his kick. As the half and the game drew to a close Melv found space on his wing and broke up field, managed to get his pass away before encased in tacklers and after a couple of outrageous dummies Matt crossed the line for the final score of the game, missing his kick narrowly 8-31 and a fine if surprising win.

19th November 2011 - Home v Market Harborough

On the 19th November 1863 Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address; in a mere 272 words he urged The Union to fight and win the civil war. Nango’s email and text “A large turnout would be good as they beat us earlier in the season but recently lost to Aylestone Athletic 3rd”, contains only 21 words, yet it had absolutely no effect on the outcome of 19th November 2011, 148 years later. Clearly it was 251 words short.
The team of 12/11/11 (22 players) had recorded a great win in the park against Ath. The team of 19/11/11 had only 12 of that 22 available. What the other ten were up to is anybody’s guess. Come the hour though and after a number of scares, a formidable squad of 17 was assembled.
Dan and Andy put themselves on the bench, so the Manager, relieved of selection duty, purloined some match balls from the 1st XV office. His lack of faith in ball boy Big Matt was misplaced however, as the injured prop turned up with match balls and water bottles four minutes before the KO.
The Market Harborough XV was noticeably different to the team we played on 24th September. To be honest, both sides had a number of players who will be vets when Buster has been collecting his pension for a decade. In that statement I’m assuming that the age to be a vet (currently 35) will move up in line with retirement age (currently 86).
As we have come to learn over the years an away Harboro’ vets team is not as good as the home one. How the distance involved can affect the quality of a team to such extent is inexplicable. Lions won the game 27-13, but not easily.
Harboro took an early lead from a penalty; the Lions were not deterred by this and soon replied with a try from Stu, who dived through a number of players to touch down.  The conversion was missed. The score had resulted from a superb line out take by Cookie, whilst not surprising it was very different from the warm up line-outs organised by Leathers. Numerous passages of play followed, some of which were worthy of abuse from the cynics on the touchline. A couple of Lions chances went begging by poor or mistimed passages. The blonde harborough centre had been giving the Lions defence problems since the kick off. About twenty minutes in he made an excellent run beating a number of defenders. The home team fullback, Hillyer, pulled off the most superb classic tackle to bring him down near the touchline about ten metres or so short of the goal line. This more than made up for the fumble the Lions 15 had made a few moments earlier.
The aforementioned centre was to leave the pitch a minute or two later after a bizarre incident which left him and Sharpie with damaged knees.  I have no idea if the injuries were related or coincidental. Whilst no one celebrates misfortune, it is true to say that the home team did not miss the departure of the visiting team’s centre. We did miss Sharpie, obviously!
The reluctant Winsland as ever, replaced the prop and play resumed. It wasn’t long before Lions conceded a penalty close to their own line. The visiting pack opted for the scrum which turned out to be a wise decision as a score resulted. 5-8. The conversion was missed.
Not much time elapsed before a Gyles penalty hit the post. A further penalty was awarded and a quick tap led to a deserved score by the sharp witted Cornwall, converted by Gyles. 12-8
Despite great defence and hard work by the home team, notably, but certainly not exclusively, young Harry Nangreave the visitors scored again to lead 12-13. After this however, the men in purple never looked back.
Lions regained the lead following a break from a scrum by Cornwall. The ball was driven on by Leathers and touched down by the tireless Stu. 17-13. Adrian had left his kicking boots at home and the extras were not forthcoming. It wasn’t long before Colonel, who had been in great form all game, made one of his superb breaks resulting in his third try of the season to increase the lead. The icing on the cake came five minutes later when Buster picked up and went for the line. His route to goal resembled something from the NFL as the blockers on either side guaranteed his score. The final score of 27-13 was fair and reflected the effort and skills of the two teams.
Dan never did get on the pitch and is now back home in the far east. Hong Kong I think. The post match tea was hot and sweet and some beer was drunk. Lutterworth on Saturday.

12th November 2011 - Away v Aylestone Athletic

On the continued absence of our webmaster, and with no one else prepared to scribe a match report, this week’s magnum opus falls once again to me to create at work – it’s a good job I don’t actually have to do any proper work in the Library or the website would be looking a lot sparser than it is!
Still out of action, I took the opportunity of not having to make it to Victoria Park early enough to get changed to get my haircut by the lovely Heidi at Gents hairdressers on Welford Road. Walking back to my car I was accosted by Sharpie who offered me a lift and then transferred his kit to my car to free up Mrs Sharpie to do her weekly shopping when I explained I had my own transportation just round the corner. Spotting Little Cookie just on the opposite side of the crossroads near Homebase, I took advantage of Pete’s road awareness to pull up on a set of double yellow lines round the corner to add to my Matt Cabs role in life by giving him a lift to our destination.
Nango had clearly performed his team manager role well this week as the changing room was full upon our arrival with a strong set of players (including the continuing presence of Vanny) keen to make up for our last league loss at Sileby. We were without Winsland and Haz (who had to make the walk of shame home after a night of passion at his girlfriend’s house only to find he was unable to get into his house as Nango had left for work already and Haz’s keys - and kit - were sitting in the hallway).
As 2.30 came round, the Lions made their way onto the park only to find there was a bit of a delay – the posts were not actually up as the opposition captain had been dispatched to Homebase to buy some bolts and a spanner to assemble them Meccano-style on the pitch as we felt a league match was too important to play with “jumpers for goalposts” – even if it was on the park! We finally managed to get both sets of posts assembled and erected (albeit at a 33 degree angle) and managed to start the match – with the referee having been made aware that we really did need both sets up before we started, not just the one set he had initially seemed happy with.
With the watching crowd gathered on the sides, Lions quickly found themselves 5-0 down after an outrageous kick and chase from the Ath’s spindly ginger winger. Dan was unable to turn in time to prevent a score in the left hand corner.
Spurred by this unlikely score Lions surged back into the Athletic half and a series of charges by both forwards and backs led to a try to Stu Watson (conversion missed – Gyles) 5-5.
With their spirits up, Lions continued to make hay in the gloom of the mid November afternoon. After another barging run, Vanny was over the line and about to perform his own version of the Ashton swan dive, only to find the ball knocked from his hand. Was it a last-ditch tackle form an opposing hand? No – Vanny’s belly knocked it out of his own hand much to the amusement of the spectators.
With this let off, Athletic continued to run at the Lions. However, Lions continued to be strong in the tackle and again took play over to the right hand side of the pitch with a sweeping back move that ended up with Dan overrunning Colonel’s pass (not for the first time that afternoon) and Colonel giving Dan some fragrantly worded advice on his positioning.
As the half drew to a close, a number of plays saw Jason score after a rolling maul (conversion Gyles) 5-12 and then shortly afterwards get yellow carded by the referee for retaliating to a head butt from the Athletic prop (the ref apologised to Jason for having to do this at half time as he claimed not to have seem the Athletic player’s action). From the quick tap, Athletic ran the length of the pitch and earned Lions a second yellow card in as many minutes as Iain was penalised for shoving a player out of the way before they gathered the ball to score. Penalty try (unconverted) – 10-12.
The half came to an end with possibly the worst penalty move ever called  - with Lions 2 men down due to yellow cards (and neither of them being Wilba, unbelievably), the Athletic fly-half decided to inexplicably just kick the ball high into the air from a penalty five yards out from the line rather than look to the runners outside him and we watched as the ball trickled over the dead ball line.
Having turned up from his open day in his team manager role (and in an homage to Alex Ferguson, sporting what looked suspiciously like a Man United stripy red tie), Nango rang the changes – Charlie on for Dan Q, Min on for Gyles, Melv on the wing instead of Buster and Little Cookie on for Rich.
With a total of 4 No 10s on the sidelines: Max Reynish, Matt Gardner, Paul Pugh and Adrian, kicking duties would fall to our new no 10 on the pitch – Vanny. Despite being two men down in the scrum due to the yellow cards, Lions continued to dominate in the scrum, pushing the 8 man Athletic pack back regularly. This forward dominance led to 4 further tries in the second half: from Min, Jason and Tom Earnshaw from rolling mauls/scrums near the line (10-17, 10-22 & 10-27) and an excellent final try from Iain who caught a ball thrown out by Vanny on the bounce and actually ran round his opposing winger for a change, rather than his usual barging straight into the player as he normally does. Final score 10-34.
With the match completed, the spectators adjourned to the Old Horse public house to await their teammates. In the intervening period, additional notes were gathered from the bystanders to flesh out the match report. So, in no particular order (and because I’m not sure exactly when some of the things happened), here are these additional notes:

• Despite the excellent post match food, I’m not sure I would want to drink at the Old Horse very often as a pint of orange and lemonade was priced at £3.05!

• Matt Gardner’s Movember moustache had come on nicely and even garnered a £5 donation from the referee. Sadly, the same cannot be said of Leather’s efforts, which could probably be blown away from his upper lip by a strong gust of wind.

• Tom Earnshaw is not collecting for Movember, but his facial hair does have a certain Frankie goes to Hollywood feel to it.

• Happily, we were able to identify Leathers as the ginger bloke in the Loughborough website team report from last week. He should also be described from now on as a “big unit” © Max Reynish.

• At some stage in the second half Charlie was signalling moves behind his back, not realising there was no-one there to see them. This perhaps explains why he was forced to run behind the posts after having been passed a suicide ball from Stu Watson.

• Togga pulled off the most outrageous dummy ever witnessed on a pitch and, having completely outwitted the entire Athletic backline, was promptly wiped out by Jason who fell into the back of his legs having tripped over his own feet trying to keep up

• The two best moves on the pitch according to Matt G were: Chris Johnson plucking the ball from the air and sprinting down the side of the pitch and Ken knocking the ball out of Stu Watson’s hands at a line out with “his guns”

• Melv is a bit too quick for his own good, having overrun three tackles in succession when the opposition just stood still

• Ken is clearly under the impression that his better half doesn’t read the match reports or he wouldn’t have been caught “joking” that she could drive herself to the hospital when she went into labour as he was in the pub having a good time. If he doesn’t appear next week, we will know his supposition is incorrect!
 

5th November 2011 - Home v Loughborough

Once again I begin another match report with an apology, unlike Big Matt, who has his polished manuscript delivered to the inbox first thing on a Monday morning I unfortunately require the match notes for reference which at this juncture I have regrettably misplaced. The bonus on this occasion is that Loughborough had posted a version of events to their own website which has been an enjoyable read and which I will be plagiarising at will despite some of the clear overtones of ginger discrimination found in their text. Whilst not here to defend our flame haired Adonis’s I would like to take the opportunity to point out that the pejorative view of carrot tops is no more acceptable on the rugby pitch as it would be in the playground.
Anyway, on the back of a bit of a thumping from Sileby we now had the unenviable task of taking on Loughborough a side that has rubbed our collective noses in it on a regular basis, their blend of youth, pace & experience has often found us wanting however on this particular Saturday we were able to field an extremely strong side with the Lucanesque Razor available and the added bonus of finding James & Kebab kicking their heels in the clubhouse looking for a game, (you will find several references to Kebab in the Loughborough essay, his line out jumping applauded at length). So, with kick off imminent, for the second time this season we found ourselves without an official and as Big Cookie was away, most likely making balloon animals at one of his tribes birthday parties it was down to our leader to find another willing party for this thankless task. Nango turned to a fellow teacher under the supposition that they have the ability to control people, cajoled or voluntarily Leathers stepped in to the breach on the understanding that the visitors would provide the same for the second half and a special heartfelt thanks to both Ref’s is warranted.
The game began with Lions taking a deep kick off securely and for some unknown reason (at least unknown to those without access to Matt Gardner’s inner consciousness) the backs decided to run the ball from inside their own 22, predictably the ball was dropped, the visitors recovered the ball and scored with ease, oh dear 0-5. The restart went better, Kebab stole and managing to take the ball deep in to the visitors half, from the pile up Gardner was able to spin the ball wide and Colonel was on hand to score in the corner, honours even 5-5. Whilst Lions rested on their communal laurels, Louhborough unleashed a tall young centre with incredible speed who scorched in for a score that embarrassed the whole back line, with the extra points a formality 5-12. Our leader (still on the side line) barely had time to finish admonishing his side when a quick line out saw Colonel rush in for his second score, again the kick failed 10-12. Colonel was on hand again shortly after to start a move that saw wing forwards combine, Kebab setting up Gareth for the next score, this time Adrian hand found his range and it was 17-10. Regrettably the next play saw our stand off collapse in a heap (not the first time this season), a bitter blow as his siege gun kicks had been keeping the opposition at arms length, in any case Gardner was hastily replaced by Clive whose pace would likely be needed in defence, a bit of reorganising and the game continued. The half finished with the visitors on top after Lions chose to make tackling optional and one of their chunkier pack members benefitted when he flopped over for a converted score 17-19 and a further score was only prevented when the recently introduced Clive was able to win a footrace to a kick over the goal line. The arrival of halftime was timely, Nango reviewed his options and chose to make whole scale changes much to the displeasure of a female spectator, presumably a parent, her remonstrations with the Lions side line did not abate even after having had it explained to her by a very patient Nango, that, when you play for the bottom side in the club and you don’t make the starting XV you are most unlikely to strengthen the side when you do eventually get opportunity to enter the fray. However despite this long winded explanation it was in fact a replacement that made the first significant act with a dynamic drive (not sure if dynamic is a particularly good description of anything James does but he did travel a long way with ball in hand), ultimately stopped by a combination of Loughborough bodies and a lack of stamina he unloaded to provide Ken an easy score and Adrian an undemanding conversion 24-19. As the game began to stagnate and play concentrated in midfield Nango introduced Andy Winsland, partly to annoy him and partly to prevent Tom getting sent off, Tom and the big young Loughborough lock had taken a dislike to one another and the situation looked like it was starting to escalate. The Lions pack which had been dominant in both scrum & line out from the start now began to control at the breakdown, our additional bulk had finally worn them down and several penalties now ensued, Gareth being the beneficiary of one, after a quick tap and the ball sent wide the wing forward, now relocated to the backs popped up for his second score of the afternoon 29-19. A blind side break from Razor & Stu Watson saw Adrian get the next score34-19 before Loughborough were able to regroup. The visitors, give them their due, did not bow out quietly and when a couple of decisions went against Lions, some of the more talkative members of the side took issue with the ref and we quickly found ourselves going backwards and Tom’s arch nemesis mentioned earlier was on hand to take a tap to himself and score under the posts 34-26. The remained of the game focused on the whereabouts of James’s gonads as the portly forward spent extended periods rolling on the floor in obvious discomfort. In between these bouts of nut rubbing both Stu and Kebab managed a score a piece 39-26, & 44-26 the final score.

29th October 2011 - Away v Sileby Town

With the autumn evenings drawing in, the Lions made their first ever visit to Sileby Town RFC on Saturday on the day before the clocks went back. Still out of action with a knackered shoulder, Andy Winsland passed the match report duties over to me - Big Matt - to keep me occupied (and so that he would have a chance to create his masterpiece report from a month ago, which is still sadly absent).
From our arrival at the ground, we sensed impending doom – the host team were out drilling at a level that would make most first teams envious –  our large squad was dwarfed by that of the opposition and we were without Iain (working abroad) and Ken (who has been drafted into the thirds as emergency hooker). Welcome first starts of the season were given to Min and Charlie, so we pretty much had a backline that were all actually backs. In Buster’s continuing dilapidated state due to a severe case of man-flu, Nango managed to persuade Rob Wetherall to turn up at number 9 to give Matt Gardiner, having promised him a decent supply of ball from our dominant pack.
With the Lions safely changed and present on the pitch it quickly became apparent that many of our team’s boot studs were older than our referee. 3pm went round and we were still waiting for the opposition to emerge from the changing room (having gone back in from their lengthy warm up). They finally emerged and marched stoically onto the pitch like an international team – uh oh!
Just before the ref blew for a kick off, a brief note about the supporters of the team on the farthest touchline: Andy Winsland, having generously brought along a number of 3 for £1 sweets – including some sour fangs to get us in the mood for Halloween, was most reluctant to get changed until Nango pointed out he was our entire front row replacement; Neil with a camera that would make David Bailey jealous; Little Cookie who had invested in new boots that we were relatively sure would glow in the dark and Rich Alexander who stopped all conversation dead with his comment that he wished he were gay as he had lovely firm buttocks! Mrs Alexander is clearly a very lucky woman!
Having stated before that the Lions pack has been dominant all season, the first 5 minutes of play proved that this wasn’t going to be the case. From an initial surge upfield, Sileby won a scrum that managed to shove the Lions pack backwards at a rate of knots – an ominous sign. Only some fine last ditch tackles saved an immediate score against a backline that was calling moves (and unlike our backs ones that they seemed to understand).
After a clearance from Matt G their winger broke through to seemingly score in the top left hand corner only for it to be ruled out due to a forward pass earlier in the move. From the resulting scrum, the ball is cleared as the opposition rushes offside and from the resulting attacking line the Lions call a move of their own – which was promptly dropped by our speedy winger Clive after a not too sympathetic pass from his centres.
From the restart, Wilba breaks too soon from the scrum and the opposition run in to score under the posts: 7-0 (conversion made – into a bog strangely situated right behind the posts – good job Melv was at hand to wade in to retrieve it).
Having been penalised unfairly (in his opinion), Wilba’s gander was clearly up as he wipes out the opposition number 8 when he catches the ball from the restart. Despite this, they manage to clear the ball, which Haz unfortunately knees forward and the eagle eyed referee spots an infringement which gives the Lions a scrum. Unfortunately, Rob and Tudgey don’t seem to have synchronised yet as the ball is actually booted back through the scrum to the opposing side rather than being hooked back.

Frustrated by lack of forward momentum, Wilba makes a last ditch tackle on the opposition, which was a little high (his arm did end up wrapped round the Sileby back’s neck) but he is given the benefit of the doubt by the ref, who keeps his yellow card in his pocket. Clearly the ref hadn’t been around in Leicestershire for long or Wilba’s reputation may have preceded him.
Shortly after this, the Sileby hooker is penalised for charging shoulder first into a maul and is further penalised another 10m for back chat. Taking exception to Wilba’s driving play a brief bout of fisticuffs ensued and the two opponents get another talking to from the ref, with Henry Cooke wondering on the touchline if “Wilba is being naughty?” – which has to be one of the least judgemental descriptions of Wilba’s style of play so far!
With no watch on, all the timings of this report do have a bit of a stream of consciousness about them. My next note states that Matt G drills a spiralling kick (if you can drill a spiralling kick – I’m a forward, not someone who professes any knowledge of the final arts of back play) into the bottom left corner which Clive outpaces his opposite winger to reach first only to scoop the ball into touch. Mr Gardner then went into teacher mode and tells the bystanders to ensure the kids are not next to the pitch.
With the first half drawing to a close another flurry of activity occupied my notes: Sharpie’s years of experience didn’t help as he knees the ball forward in a rolling maul; Buster was abused by the massed spectators who noted that Rob was younger, fitter and could tackle – perhaps because of being drained by his man-flu, Buster took this in good grace/abject resignation.
From the next passage of play, Wanka and Leathers were penalised for killing the ball and Sileby kicked for goal – 10-0.
Boosted by their score, Sileby’s backs let loose – lots of runners recycled the ball from the kick off, popping the ball back in the tackle and jinking inside Min to score in left hand corner – 15-0. Nango was now worried about a “rugby lesson” being handed out.
Back from the kick off and Sileby again surged into our 22m, winning an attacking lineout from Charlie’s clearance. Clearly being inspired by the World Cup final, their prop scores another unconverted try from a front peel move. 20-0.This leads to Tudgey going off and Dave A replacing him, with Leathers moving to hooker.
Continuing his storming performance, Wilba smashes their receiver into the ground again from the kick off and the backs manage to live off “scraps from Sileby’s table”, with Clive driving into the opposition half and Wanka and Rob W linking well until the half time whistle blows.
Despite being buzzing from the e-numbers contained in Andy’s fizzy sweets, Nango declines the opportunity to put Andy and Tom onto the pitch as “we could still win it”, but to enable him to control Henry he takes off Big Cookie and puts on Rich Alexander in his place.
From the kick off it appears that this was far from Nango’s finest substitution: Rich completes the worse kick off take ever and then compounds it by kneeing the ball back to our try line where the opposition pounce on it to score another converted try 27-0.
At this stage in the proceedings I clearly lost interest in making notes as the remaining 30 minutes had about 5 lines of coverage (as opposed to the preceding 8 pages from the 1st half).
In summary: good Lions defence, a double substitution in the front row, Tom upsets their number 7, they miss one penalty and score another 30-0 and Rich A scores an unconverted try after another charge down by man of the match Wilba 30-5.
The final section of play sees Matt G explain loudly from the touchline to anyone who was listening that Stu Watson is the reason he is always injured (Stu having just shanked a pass 5 yards behind Togga) and Charlie tackling their winger into touch.
With the spectators politely asking the ref when full time was going to be blown as it was starting to get dark and Sileby didn’t have any floodlights; the referee put us out of our misery and blew for time. Final score 30-5.
The opposition celebrated with much whooping and slapping of backs, clearly seeing our team as a bit of a scalp – although as they are a 1st team and we are in effect the 4th team for Lions I’m not sure we are actually that much of a trophy. Sileby were undoubtedly much the better team on the day and Lions can take some credit from our excellent defence throughout. With a few more key players back for the return match, we may even take them a bit closer next time – although we probably need to lose at least one more match to make sure we don’t go up as runners up in the league.
One last word of warning – if you see Matt G and the rest of the Gardner Massive about in town sporting stylish handlebar moustaches it isn’t because they are recreating a scene from the Village People classic YMCA (well, unless they are all in butt-less leather chaps – perhaps they should ask Rich to model them with his peachy buttocks?) but are actually raising money for the Movember charity.

8th October 2011 - Home v Leicester Forest East

On the day England were finally put out of there misery at the World Cup it was a back to back league fixture that awaited the Lions. We welcomed a Forest side that had chalked up an early season victory against us, so a tough encounter was expected.  However we were able to muster a  bigger squad and more  balanced side  than the early season encounter. Mainly due to the end of the cricket season and the recent abolition of the retirement age in recreational sport.
 As ever, we changed at a leisurely pace whilst to our eternal bemusement the opposition were out practising and running through a few drills (when will they learn). In the midst of dissecting the woeful England display earlier,  the news filtered through that there was no ref for today’s match. After an extensive search of the clubhouse and trawl through the spectators at the first XV game against Ottley, no suitable sober candidates were found, so it was down to volunteers from our assembled masses. Fortunately Big Cooky stepped into the breach, with his experience of coaching and refereeing the under 9's he appeared the perfect candidate.
 As we ambled out to the pitch another problem came to light. The heavy showers over the last couple of days had washed away some of the topsoil on the pitch to unearth a manhole cover. An early test for the makeshift ref, but with the recent ruling against Syston (see Leicester Mercury) fresh in his mind he was taking no chances and opted to move pitches. When questioned by George his son what was happening Cooky explained what the purpose of a manhole was but failed to tell him its where we had hidden Skidders a few seasons before. We all moved over to the far pitch but found this wasn't marked out, having initially been decisive, indecision now hit and in a scene reminiscent of a Benny Hill sketch all players were following Cooky from pitch to pitch wondering what was happening until finally all agreed to play on the larger training pitch, this suited the spectators due to it's closer proximity to the bar.

The second half began as the previous half had ended, Jimmies indecision allowed Little Cookie to pounce on the kick off (making amends for his previous contribution to the game), a scrum 10m out, the ball along the back line and Iain crashed through for the score, again the precise Adrian added the conversion (35-7), Adrian continued his 100% record when Dave Allison managed to out pace the defence for a score out wide (42-7). The on sided affair continued as Iain then beat the whole of Jimmies defensive line for his second score and Adrian’s 7th kick (49-7). Clive then popped up for another score however Adrian couldn’t sustain his flawless display as the kick went wide of the posts (54-7). The score board continued to tick over when first Winsland, ignoring the overlap crashed over and shortly after Gardner got in on the act with a piece of individual luminosity foxing the defence and running in from the 22, it goes without saying that Adrian was able to help himself to a further 4 points with 2 more excellent kicks, (61-7), (68-7). A sympathetic ref blew up and the game ended early, an excellent result however the return fixture is unlikely to find Jimmies unprepared.
An apology and an explanation for the scarcity of detail captured in this match report is necessary as I have relied on the notes provided by Big Matt, who managed to record his notes by means of lying face down and away from the pitch whilst suffering mild discomfort due to an undiagnosed injury and had his dutiful wife dictate the activities on the pitch to him. 

24th September 2011 - Away v Market Harborough Vets (25-17)

At the time of writing, the match report from our previous week’s victory against Ashby is not present, so I will take this opportunity to remind everyone that I am currently the club’s joint leading try-scorer for the season, with a try in each of the last two games and am now slightly guilty about the disparaging goal hanging comments I ascribed to Ken in his player profile.
After the mammoth turn out last week for our first league match, it soon became clear from the look on Nango’s face when questioned about the team that we wouldn’t be blessed with the same cohort: no Chris J, Togga (work), Colonel (injured heel) or Iain (injured a**e). Nango also felt the ravages of time with the recovery from last week’s tweaked hamstring not sufficiently recovered to play. There was also no sign of Leathers (who may or may not have been assembling more flatpack furniture or sulking about not getting on the week before) or his speedy friend Clive.
Best wishes go out to Walshie, who looks to be out for the rest of the season with a broken ankle. Those people who cruelly mocked our number 8 last week when he was wheeled out of the clubhouse on a stretcher now felt slightly shamefaced at their comments – although unconfirmed reports abounded regarding Nango’s demands for the return of his new shirt while Walshie was still being prepped for surgery.
Just when Rich was looking misty eyed about the prospect of old fashioned 14 man rugby team, Nango’s face perked up. Rumour had it that Vanny would be turning up to play for us. There were three possible explanations for this:
1) He was bored of bare knuckle cage-fighting pandas in the WWF arena
2) His injunction against all forms of communication from Nango had been overturned on the ancient legal principle of “bugger it, might as well” by the Court of Appeal after one too many sherries in the hostelries surrounding the inns of court.
3) He wasn’t aware that I was the joint leading try-scorer this season and thought we had been blessed with fitter props after seeing Ken’s profile.
Whatever the reason, the mood was very nearly positive in the changing rooms at Harborough before kickoff at the prospect of his return to the side and not even the prospect of a referee on first name basis with the opposition, put of the naysayers in the team.
Having scraped together a bare 15 players, the match kicked off promptly at 3pm, with the opposition having been warming up for a good 30 minutes before kick-off.
The actual match report details were assembled by Nango, who kindly scrawled his comments over nearly three sides of paper. Unfortunately, his handwriting leaves much to be desired, so I may have to take some artistic license with the report itself:
Good defence by Lions, especially Gareth, Stu Watson and Haz but pen conceded – offside Kick 3-0 10mins
Phases put together by Lions. Scrum near their line. Lineout. Brilliant drive by Lions from 15m out. Try after pass from Buster to Vanny 3-5 (conv by Quelch missed) 21 mins
Pen to H’boro – backchat from Winsland – obviously there to take over from Walshie in keeping the referee on our side. Quick tap leads to try after a parting of the waves in defence with the opposition spotting that I may not have the smallest turning circle and nipping between me and Tom(conv missed) 8-5 26mins
Try by H’boro after sustained pressure 13-5 (conv missed) 31 mins
Scrum lost against head - lineout H’boro. Won by Lions 35 mins
Close to scoring but after a quick tap by Vanny his pass to Earnshaw on the wing was dropped – flailing left hand. Half time 13-5
At this point, I will resume control of the report, before handing back to Nango’s notes for the second half commentary. By half time, my wife and son had appeared at the side of the pitch to watch the second half having visited the local park in Market Harborough on their way to the ground. For anyone who has young children, Ben gives it a big thumbs-up! Luckily, with Dan on the pitch, there was no need to remind him about the 20m exclusion zone I had placed around my wife after his stalking her in the first away match. Far from being a rugby expert, even Sally recognised that Tom was a bit rubbish on the wing – although she did feel a bit guilty afterwards when I told her about his cow heart and left hand that still, apparently, has a life of its own. The half time break concluded with Ben wondering why none of fell over when playing “ring a ring of roses” before the second half began.
The downside of having no replacements was swiftly seen as Ken had to leave the pitch at the end of the first half due to some sort of knee injury. The more heartless amongst us wondered if this was as a result of being too fit – if you have muscles to pull, then inevitably it will happen!  Luckily, H’boro donate one of their 4 rolling prop substitutes - Rich – who comes on and we immediately tell him our lineout calls – forgetting we may have to play them again and that the calls haven’t changed in about 15 years!
We now hand back to Nango’s commentary for the second half:
Massive kick from Vanny relieves early pressure from H’boro. Good pressure from Lions leads to a lineout near their try line. Quick pen by Winsland sees parting of the waves and try conv by Quelch 13-12
Pen from kick off. Vanny’s booming boot clears pressure and after excellent Lions defence a lineout on half way. Another win from the line sees the opposing full back eventually bundle ball into touch on their 5 m line. Wilba’s catch at number 4 leads to a maul and Little Cookie emerge with the ball – it would be churlish of me to suggest he snatched ball from my hands to make him joint leading try scorer (can you see what I did there – old courtroom trick of assigning guilt without making a direct accusation). (Conv missed) 13-17 12 mins
Injury to Buster – having been dragged halfway across the pitch despite not having the ball in his hands. Stays on pitch but they manage to scramble over for converted try 20-17 20 mins
Try from lineout by tall H’boro centre 25-17 (conv missed) 29 mins
Late scrum on Lions 5 m turned round by the mammoth Lions pack– as had been all match, despite the rolling subs from the opposition.
Full Time

So, how to sum up the match?
• An excellent performance from every player in a Lions shirt. We may have lost, but considering 2/3rds of our team were forwards and many were playing out of position, we coped incredibly well against a well-drilled, powerful opposition.

• Vanny was welcomed back like a conquering hero. Hopefully he will have caught the Lions bug again and will be turning up regularly and who knows, he might actually have a few more backs to play with next time?

• The pack continued its good start to the season, dominating the scrum and more than holding their own in the rucks/mauls and lineouts.

• Andy Winsland scored a good try, despite apparently being bitten in a ruck. We are not sure whether a rabies jab was necessary at this stage, but may insist on one by next week, just to keep us all safe.

Oh and not sure if I have mentioned it, but I’m still (joint) top try scorer after 4 matches this season!  ;-)
 

17th September 2011 - Home v Ashby (48-12)

Note From The Author: My apologies to all for the tardy arrival of this match report I can only put it down to the current cuts & pressures in the NHS leaving me no time to compose in work time , also the advent of Facebook in my elder daughters life has limited my access to a computer at home. I shall endeavour to do better throughout the season and match the excellent work of other scribes.   

 
After a couple of early hiccups the season started properly with our first league fixture. It was an early chance to see how the promoted clubs had faired over the summer as we welcomed back Ashby, having done the double over us last year a tough encounter was expected. As we all rolled up it was clear Nango had a large squad at his disposal, it often takes a couple of weeks for the realisation that the season has started to sink in, there was further evidence that lethargy had not set in and with most changed early an attempted warm up took place. To be more accurate Ashby were out on the pitch going through moves and drills and a few of us stood around and threw a ball to each other occasionally. As we made our way to the back pitch in our customary dribs and drabs it had been noted that Ashby had a youthful look to there backline always enough to put fear and doubt into our ageing ensemble.
A reasonable crowd had turned out and the forecast rain kept away. From the kick off it felt like it may be a long afternoon. Ashby gathering the ball running at us, breaking a few tackles and spending the first couple of minutes camped on our line, a clearing kick by Adrian giving us brief respite. It wasn't long before this early pressure told as a kick came over to the corner, our skipper once again proved that his expertise is in Chemistry and not Physics or Geometry as the bounce of the ball eluded him and in the ensuing mix up Ashby stole in and were able to score under the posts conversion added (0-7).
 This early set back galvanised us into action when we suddenly realised that Ashby were not the tenacious tacklers of  only a few months ago, and with Wilba and Stu making breaks  leaving a pile of Ashby bodies in their wake perhaps it wouldn't be such a long afternoon after all. A further spell of pressure in the Ashby 22 saw us recycle quick ball and with a big overlap spin the ball out and although Walshie was tackled on the line Togga was there to pick up and bundle over unopposed (5-7). Wilba caught the resulting kick off and returned it with interest further strong runs by Colonol & little Cookie had Ashby firmly on the back foot.    We were dominating all areas now and from a scrum on the the 22 the ball was moved down the line Iain playing the Chris Ashton role came off his wing took the inside pass and broke the first tackle, with the line at his mercy and everyone awaiting the Ash Splash   his legs buckled and he was caught a metre short, however Rich Alexander was on hand to pick up the pieces and give us the lead Ady hadn't found his kicking boots and missed the  conversion (10-7). Our dominance continued and after another near miss by Iain  again lacking the legs a further try from Togga followed.(17-7)  With all things looking rosy it was a setback to concede  after an innocuous kick through hit the bottom of the posts Nango was unable to do anything more than kick it behind for a 5 meter scrum as his hamstring had gone. Buoyed by the field position and a poor clearing kick Ashby were able to bundle over for a score to give themselves some hope. (17-12) This hope proved to be false hope  as Lions once again picked up the pace and at his third attempt  Iain finally found the legs to cross for his try (24-12) with the half coming to an end Walshie rounded it off with a fine score picking the ball from the ruck he danced his way over with a couple of side steps (with the benefit of hindsight this sadly is the last bit of dancing he will do for a while).We ended the half with a comfortable (29-12) lead.

Wholesale changes made in the pack  and a further enforced change in the backs with Colonel further depleting the meagre resources with an achilles injury.
The second half under way it was clear the game was up as a contest and really it was about how many more points Lions could add. The continued dominance of the scrum even with all the changes brought the first score of the second half and after a series of scrums on the Ashby 5 meter line, we were able gain enough control for Walshie to score his second from a pushover. (34-12)  We continued to dominate without converting the dominance into further points. We then sadly lost the services of Walshie as with a hat trick on his mind he went for the corner and turned on his ankle in the tackle and after some deliberation was carted off the field to try his luck at A&E. The half meandered on; Sharpie had taken over lineout duties and his return of two not straight, one knock on and one pinched by Ashby hampering our attacking intentions. Along with the introduction of passive scrums until Rich Alexander kindly donned the opposition shirt. It took two fine pieces of play to add further scores the first through Little Cookie running off the backs, picking a fine line and despite a ropey looking pass from Togga managed to gather the ball and burst over for the try (41-12) The second almost a carbon copy with Tom Earnshaw almost repeating the previous play only to lack the pace to finish, a fine covering tackle from the fullback almost thwarting the move but try scoring machine Matt Cunningham was on hand to poach the final try and with Ady adding the conversion the final tally was (48-12). Notable mentions go to Nango who like Jesus with his five loaves and two fishes was able to get 24 players onto the pitch despite only being allowed three replacements. Clive a new welcome addition looks to have pace to burn. Leathers who missed out today still pondering the conundrum of flat pack furniture. Finally the Ashby hooker who we are all pleased to see his allergies improving as despite a good turnout of canines on the line not once reached for his inhaler.     

10th September 2011 - Away v Market Bosworth (48-5)

And so to the second game of the season and Lions second away friendly, this time a trip to Cadeby Lane for a clash with a Market Bosworth side that find themselves three divisions above Lions current prominence (David v Goliath?). The skipper’s team sheet was looking a little bare - sixteen players only, Leathers was expected to be playing but it appears that he was stuck at IKEA buying soft furnishings, no sign either of the Cricketers, Sharpy, Colonel, Daniel or Wilba. The shortfall of players exacerbated as Rich & Buster fell to the dreaded man flu, only offset by the return of Chris and Dave to the pack and Iain and Gareth turning up to provide Nango with an opportunity to test out yet another new centre partnership.
On arrival at the ground a small group had gathered, admiring (well looking) at Ken’s lower lip piercing, this however was not the only fashionable item on show today, the long awaited Qdos sponsored vets shirts had at last arrived and proved popular with all, especially those players with the more Rubenesque physiques – at last Matt C has a shirt that will hide his modesty. The shirts would prove to be one of only a few positives from the day. The worrying signs were there early on as Lions made their way to the far pitch to discover the opposition running drills, Lions adopted their own approach, preferring to use the tried and tested hands in pocket warm up.    

It was a blustery day and the trees were thrashing thrusterly and the leaves were rustling gusterly- oops sorry that’s Winnie the Pooh. From the kick off the ball went directly into touch and so to the first scrum which would turn out to be the strongest facet of Lions game a win and then a couple of phases before the ball went loose and Bos hacked through and looked like scoring but were stopped close to the line by some good defence featuring Nango and Adrian. After a couple of passages of play Lions lost scrum ball 10 metres from the line allowing Bos to go blind for a easy score in the corner, 5-0. Soon after Bos scored again after some good interplay from the back line, 12-0. After these early set-backs Lions began to play, winning consecutive penalties took Lions to their 10 metre line but lost the ball and Bos stormed off down the middle with lots of support to score again 19-0. Bos were proving a bit too youthful and full of running. From the kick-off Lions got the ball back which saw a typical run from Gareth fending off a couple of would be tacklers support came from Nango who moved it on to Stu who knocked on under pressure. Their next attack saw a great tackle from Nango to prevent a further score. Some good mauling from Andy got Lions going forward and then Lions were back again and resumed with a scrum just inside their half, pushing them back and then getting close to their line, but gave away a penalty which they ran out of defence and kicked to just beyond half way where the ball bounced for them and were lucky to get the score 24-0, just when Lions were getting back into the game. From Lions next piece of possession Iain rampaged forward pushing off three assailants before going to ground then Andy carried the move on taking Lions closer to their line, Tom picked up and ghosted past three defenders went to ground and won a penalty. Cookie the younger took everyone by surprise, taking a quick tap and go which eventually brought Lions to fifteen metres out where Stu got pulled into the ruck which left Walsie at scrum half who gave his version of a drive pass which may have register on the Richter scale. Bos broke away on the far side which resulted in their scrum half running in a try in from Lions ten metre line 31-0, apparently there was another score which match reporter & flu sufferer Buster missed somewhere during the half 36-0.Half-time.
Into the second half and a bit of too and fro, a siege gun kick down the middle taken expertly by Nango, running into some heavy traffic led to a scrum where Walsie broke away from passed onto Adrian, then Iain onto Gareth leading to a pen. Andy took the ball on and Lions eventually got to touching distance of their line but handling on the floor resulted in a home side penalty and opportunity to clear their lines. Bos remained dangerous and another score was only prevented by last ditch tackles from Nango and Gareth. Adrian kicking from hand kept the ball from Lions line one such kick followed up by Haz saw the young wing arrive in time to tackle the first receiver jump to his feet and tackled the next one too! Lions had come more into the game in the second half, resulting in further breaks from Iain, Stu and Tom. A loose defensive kick from Lions was fielded by the Bos wing and taken right up to Lions line before yet another tackle by Nango stopped them dead. Lions got out to the 22 but eventually knocked on, Bos won the scrum and bashed over for another score 41-0. Lions retained the restart but went backwards, the ball went loose and the number 17 ran in another try 48-0. Lions saved their best passage of play to the dying embers of the game, pushing the Bos scrum back 10 metres, winning a penalty, Adrian kicked to the 22, clean line out secured by Dave leaping like a salmon sardine, marshalled by Stu the pack drove the ball to the line where Matt C got his hands on it to register Lions only score.48-5 final score. Lions should have no complaints really Lions were beaten by a younger fitter side the positives being the scrummaging and some great tackling.                 
 

3rd September 2011 - Away v Leicester Forest (33-0)

Although Forest are familiar adversaries this game was a new experience for Lions, who, having stepped up a division in the league structure would be facing a mixed 2’s / 3’s which would likely represent the standard to be expected on a regular basis this season, in addition Lions would be having to cope without the flying Fijian, now back in his sunnier clime. Joe had been magnificent last season and played no small part in last season’s success, so spectators and players alike arrived with some trepidation at the oppositions Hinckley Road home.
Last season’s regulars absent for the first fixture of the new season to be named and shamed: Matt Gardner & Togga (Cricket), Charlie, Chris, Gareth, Leathers, Langridge & Powelly (no excuse proffered), Gozzo (turned up without kit), Wayne (retired –surely not), Stan (apparently still broken after the Golden Oldies debacle) and the much heralded return of Razor to the fold also failing to materialise but it wasn’t all bad news………  Big Cookie, Little Cookie & Sharpy had all returned after long layoffs, Wilba had escaped the grasps of the 3rds and Ken had some new boots (more later).
The throng of Forest replacements brought back memories of Hinckley & Old Northamptonians from previous campaigns, it was going to be a difficult afternoon and would the Referee go for 30 mins each way?  Anyway, bathed in late summer sunshine and on a firm dry pitch the 2011-12 season began whilst the two male Cooke children were sent in search of the water bottles and Stu Watson sulked as the reluctant centre.
Lions started nervously and were guilty of numerous errors in the opening quarter beginning with the kick off, the pack failed to collect the ball allowing Forest to attack immediately and with Lions defense so accommodating they quickly found themselves pressuring the Lions try line. 2 minutes in and the games first casualty limped from the action, Daniel with a huge egg on his knee spent the remainder of the day sat on the pitch side grassy bank offering ice to his huge swelling (knee not belly). Tom was on hand to fill in on the wing. Lions saw very little of the ball during the opening encounters and unsurprisingly it was Forest who drew first blood, scoring their first try of the game when loose ball at the back of a line out was snatched up by an eager backrow who proceeded to fall over the line for an easy unconverted score (5-0). The restart from Adrian Gyles failed to travel the requisite distance and Lions again found themselves pegged back in their own half and facing another early change of personnel, this time Ken, his new boots rubbing his delicate tootsies, Big Matt stepped in from the bench. The inevitable second try followed, quick hands from the Forest backs and poor tackling from Lions and the ball was under the posts and converted without ceremony (12-0). From the restart Lions at last entered the Forest half – Mr. Hall noted the time: 24 minutes!!! Lions “no tackling” policy meant that the foray in to opposition land was short lived (exceptions to the no tackling = Colonel & Harry) and it was only the home sides inability to catch a pass that kept Lions in touch. Lions did begin to gather momentum and after a unrelenting period of pressure that may have lasted upwards of 5 minutes Forest broke from their own 22 for another score (19-0). The match reporter had barely noted that score before having to put pen to paper again to record  its twin (26-0), brimming with confidence Forest where attacking from all parts of the field and a score from under their own posts ala 1970’s French sides was only prevented by a last ditch tackle from Adrian. The whistle brought relief and gave Nango opportunity to reorganise his troops.

Winsland on for Rich & Big Matt making way for Ken (boots replaced) much to the disgust of Sharpy who’d hoped to escape with a half.
The second half began with Adrian’s kick-off lingering in the air just long enough for Wilba to arrive in time to bury the Forest ball catcher deep in to the hard ground, the photographic evidence captured by Neil unfortunately not of sufficient quality to be added to the report. Lions began to win more ball, the line out improved, the scrum dominated whilst Colonel & Stu Watson began to rampage in the centres. The match reporting became vague from this point onwards as Daniel who’d taken over as scribe had become preoccupied with Big Matt’s wife who recently arrived. Nonetheless, despite a solid second half performance Forest had the final say when they took advantage of a preposterous kick from Andy Winsland, his kick from hand found the recoiling face of birthday boy Little Cookie from whom it rebounded to midfield providing perfect turnover ball that the pacey Forest backs turned in to a fifth and final score, the conversion was followed immediately by the final whistle (33-0).
Based on this performance a second successive promotion is likely to be a tall order, roll on next Saturday for the trip to Market Bos 3rds (Leicestershire League 2 - why? who arranges our fixtures!!! ) and the unveiling of the new shirts.